I'm sure this makes me a horrible person, but I can't help it. I hate being pregnant. I truly have a difficult time coming up with anything I like about it. I would really love for it to just stop, but I guess that won't happen for another two months or so. Pregnancy, for me, is a giant list of things I am not allowed to do, my body being attacked by a parasite, my body functioning in painful, unnatural ways, and constant unwanted attention from strangers and acquaintances alike. I can't stand it.
I feel like an old woman. I have gone from never having heartburn in my life to getting it from shredded wheat cereal. I use to be so limber, to a scary degree, and now I can't point my toes without getting a charlie horse. I can't twist my head quickly without getting a charlie in my neck! They happen all over my body now. I have never dealt with back pain before and can now barely walk sometimes because it is so bad. The list goes on. I won't bore you with the details. However, the best part is that I am continually having contractions, which are painful in themselves, but I have been put on a medicine that's side effects are awful. That really turned it all around for me. The worst is that I can't exercise anymore because of the contractions. I was doing 3 miles a day or so on the elliptical until about 3 weeks ago. That burst of serotonin, huge energy release, and feeling of well being was a major joy in my schedule. But now I am left being sluggish and depressed while my muscles atrophy.
I actually am not someone who voices my complaints often. Ask Mr. Neruda if you don't believe me, but I hate to complain about physical aliments. However, my happiness level has really taken a dive since the world around me can now easily tell that I am pregnant.
I cannot stand having everyone around me know that I am pregnant. I can't stand their prying questions, their forced opinions, their invasive ways, their touching me, etc. I especially love when much of this happens while I am at work so that I can't do or respond to anything the way I would like to.
I am a private person and dislike discussing personal issues with most people. I do not want to tell a complete stranger if I will be quitting my job to stay home or breastfeed. I don't want to talk about my natural birth plan and how they think I'm stupid for wanting to do it. I don't care about their labor experience or how they now hate their child as a teenager so I better "enjoy parenthood now." I also don't see the excuse of my lack of sleep at night being good because it prepares me for when the baby comes. That isn't something I need training for, I just need to begin the process rested not already exhausted.
However, the thing I hate most is how my pregnancy is all people can talk to me about whether I know them or not. That people feel like they can touch me in the most sensitive part of my body right now, whether I know them or not (fyi- I can't stand having my stomach touched whether I know you or not. ALWAYS ask and actually wait for a response). I especially can't stand when people send their children to hug my "baby" in my stomach or kiss it or touch it. Please leave me alone. And that people are now constantly over concerned about my well being to the stupidest degree. If I trip right now (and I mean a little stutter step trip where I barely stumble at all) suddenly everyone is yelling at me to be careful, are you okay, you are pregnant and need to watch your step better, etc. LEAVE ME ALONE! I do not want the issue of whether I can walk across a parking lot to be discussed in front of me without me every being asked. I don't want the door of my car gotten for me or my chair pulled out for me in a ridiculous, overly dramatic way. I don't care if my stumbled step was really that scary to you, keep it to yourself and get a life. I am not a child or an invalid. I am simply a lady living with a huge parasite. I was in the Peace Corp, I have had a few parasites before and no one seemed to cared then when I really could have used concerned people's help and a nice bathroom scout.
I know I can't hide my pregnancy anymore, but that doesn't mean that is all there is about me or that I am know in the public domain. Leave me and all pregnant women alone people. You are making one of the harder times in my life unbearable. I hate going out now with friends or strangers because of this. By the end of a night out, I am usually in such a bad mood that it is embarrassing and makes me feel worse.
I really just wanted to get this rant all out of me to hopefully make me feel better. From now on, for the next month or so, I am going to try to write about something I am thankful for instead of complaints. I am hoping it will change the bitterness that is setting over me because it is becoming debilitating and I hate that. I don't like feeling depressed and angry all the time. It makes me focus on the painful, horrible parts of this process more than is healthy. I hope to change all that during this most tiring and stressful time of the year.