Crime fighting hero

So, per a conversation Mr. Neruda and I had this morning I realized how awesome my boobs can be. They shoot milk at a great distance. Now I know that isn't as cool as, say, laser beams or even confetti, but I have decided to work with what I have.

I am going to become a crime fighter with these things. Laser beams would probably be more useful for overall crime fighting, but I think my milk launchers can find a niche. Like lactose intolerant criminals. It will take some stake outs and things to find out who is and isn't lactose intolerant since that problem is easily hide-able. However, I learned from Barbara Kingsolver that humans are naturally lactose intolerant. There is a gene that gets turned off after the age of 4 for many people that makes them unable to digest milk. This makes me think I have at least a few people I can tackle.

Once I have found the LIT criminals I will tell the authorities to take a break, this one is mine. I will then do some amazing acrobats to get myself into position and then as soon as the criminal opens his/her mouth I will shoot my milk into it. They will immediately begin to choke, sputter and beg for mercy. I may or may not grant such mercy. What will be noted is that my milk launchers have saved the day once again.

I must think of a cute, tight outfit to fight all this crime in. Something that will age well, that hides my stomach pooch and that offers great breast support because my milk launchers get really sore.


  1. This makes me never, ever, EVER, want to commit a crime. It also makes me laugh really, really hard.

  2. You shouldn't be scared unless you are lactose intolerant.